Goodbye, Cowardly Lion

Our family had a loss today. Little Gal's pet goldfish, Cowardly Lion, was discovered belly up in the tank this morning, just as the girls were getting ready to clean it.

I knew this day was inevitable. When the girls each brought home a little goldfish from their Awana party last April, I knew the risk. We talked about the life expectancy of goldfish and how the girls would have to be prepared. They understood, and even planned out where they would bury their fish when they died. 

I can't say it surprised me that Little Gal's fish was the first to go. She's one of those kids who always has the broken, chipped toys, the clothes with stains or holes, and the constantly disappearing shoes. In her defense, she didn't do anything that specifically led to Cowardly Lion's demise. It's just kind of the way things go in our house. She tends to be the one who loses or breaks things first out of the three girls. And bless her heart, it's not something she does intentionally.

Cowardly Lion was a nice little fish. Little Gal chose his name because of his tendency to hide behind the plants in his tank. 

He spent the first several days of his life at our house in a mixing bowl with his companions, Cookie (Middle Gal's fish) and Denise (Oldest Gal's fish).

When I finally found some nice little plastic fish tanks at Walmart, he and Cookie continued to share (since I figured we only needed one tank per room), while Denise got a tank of her own. (Cowardly Lion and Cookie's tank is on the right.)

The girls fed their fish regularly and did a fairly good job of cleaning their tanks. The water was pretty cloudy in Cowardly Lion and Cookie's tank by this morning, though. I don't know if that led to his death or not. Cookie seems fine, and she was in it, too.

Little Gal took it pretty hard. She sobbed and sat in my lap, mourning the loss of her little friend. 

Later that morning, we had a burial service for him. Middle Gal donated a small craft box (shown in the first picture). Little Gal labeled it with Cowardly Lion's name, then filled it halfway with dirt. We put Cowardly Lion inside, then filled the rest with dirt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice. 

We had a white cross in the backyard we'd gotten from our church years ago, so I dug a hole in front of it.

Little Gal said a few words about Cowardly Lion, and then buried him in the dirt.

We all put flowers on his grave, picked by Middle Gal and Oldest Gal.

Little Gal used Sharpie to write "Here lies Cowardly Lion." She left a comma at the end, as the girls had already decided that all of their fish would be buried in the same spot. 

The little fish funeral was precious, and carried out with the utmost solemnity. And while, as an adult, it was easy to see the humor in the reverent way in which a ten cent goldfish was remembered and laid to rest, for Little Gal, this was a serious, tragic event. The ceremony and the promise of a new goldfish were both helpful, but she's a sensitive little soul, so I realize it may take a while for her to process everything. 

Loss is a big part of life, whether it be a goldfish, a person, a stage of life, health, ability, or a place we once lived. It's not a fun thing to experience, and is something I'm still learning to work through myself, even though I know the One Who holds my future and the futures of those around me in His hands. 

Part of me wishes I could shield my girls from loss, grief, and pain. But the other part of me knows that going through those times of sorrow will make them stronger, better women. It will give them empathy for others going through similar situations. It will take them to a place where they will have to rest in the goodness and grace of their Savior, even when they don't understand why He allows certain things in their lives. If they can learn that now with little losses, it will be easier for them to deal with the bigger losses that will come later as they grow up.

And in the meantime, I will be there as long as I can to hold them, to dry their tears, and to be a physical reminder of the love of Christ that surrounds them through every sorrow, each and every day.

Goodbye, Cowardly Lion. You will be missed.

A Close Call

I had originally planned on doing a very different post today, and I may still publish it later if I can find the time.  Right now, though, I need to take a moment and reflect on yesterday's events.

Last night, on the way home from a long work commute, my husband fell asleep at the wheel.  He woke up in time to see approaching headlights and realize his car was drifting.  He over-corrected, spun out, and wrapped the trunk of the car around a tree off the side of the road.  The car is totaled, and he has a pretty major shiner and some minor cuts, but other than that he's okay.

The tow truck driver who came to get the car said that on that particular stretch of road, 90% of the people they come help don't make it.  There are many huge drop offs and other dangerous areas all along the way Hubby came home.  The place he stopped thankfully had a tree and a fence to stop him instead.  He also is convinced that if he had run into the tree at any other angle, he would have been seriously injured.  We are all praising the Lord for His protection.

I think the reality of the whole situation is still sinking in for me, partially because I have a hard time thinking about what could have happened.  I could have been a widow this morning, or I could have spent my morning in the hospital, watching over a husband with serious injuries.  It's enough to bring me to tears.  I can't thank the Lord enough for His intervention.

Moments like these are a reminder of just how short life really is.  We all know that someday we're going to die.  We get so distracted by the daily routines, jobs, and hobbies that take up our time, however, that it's easy to forget that any day could be our last.  It's caused me to think about how I spent this last week.  If yesterday had been my last day with my husband, what things would I have regretted?  What things would I be thankful for?  What things would I wish I could go back and change?

We can't play the "what if" game, and in this scenario, I don't really want to play it anyway.  But I do know that I want to make sure I live a life with no regrets.  I want to make the most of every opportunity to show love to my family and friends, to be a godly example for those around me, and to make a difference for eternity.  That's what truly matters.

And while I'm at it, I'm going to give Hubby a few extra hugs today.  I would have really missed those.

Be Careful What You Pray For

Today I messed up.

It was nothing too earth-shattering.  I was in the middle of a solo in front of the church, and during the last verse of the song, my voice suddenly cracked.

It's a moment I dread as a singer.  There's nothing more frustrating than having your "instrument" give out on you right in the middle of your performance. :}  But what can you do?  I gave a little smile, patted my throat humorously, and continued singing...and thankfully got through the rest of the song without any further incidents.

It's funny.  In my younger years, a scenario like that would have been completely humiliating.  Today, I just had to chuckle inwardly.  You see, before I went up to sing, I prayed, as I usually do (it's a great way to calm those nerves!).  In my prayer today, though, I asked the Lord to make the performance about Him, and not about me.

I think the Lord has a sense of humor...and perhaps He wanted to see if I meant what I had prayed.  And I must confess, after what happened, I really had to examine my heart.  Had I really meant it?

Think about it...was one little mistake enough to negate the message of the song?  No.  In fact, I had more people than usual thank me for the music this morning.  Apparently the only person affected by it was me.  And that's just pride, plain and simple.

I find that it's easy to get puffed up when I sing well.  I say it's all about the Lord, and I do honestly desire to serve Him with my music.  But deep down, I love getting the complements and affirmation that come from a job well-done.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it shouldn't be my focus.

A morning like this one brings me back to what it's really all about, and that's my Savior.  When people from the congregation came up and thanked me today, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the message of the song was what had blessed them, not my "magnificent" singing. ;)

The other thing that helped was that the words of the hymn I chose were so challenging and uplifting. I couldn't be upset when singing those words.  I'd like to share them with you now:

"Something For Thee"
written by Sylvanus D. Phelps
verses 1, 3, and 4

1. Savior, Thy dying love
Thou gavest me,
Nor should I aught withhold,
Dear Lord, from Thee:

In love my soul would bow
My heart fulfill its vow,
Some off'ring bring Thee now,
Something for Thee.

3. Give me a faithful heart,
Likeness to Thee,
That each departing day
Henceforth may see

Some work of love begun,
Some deed of kindness done,
Some wand'rer sought and won,
Something for Thee.

4. All that I am and have,
Thy gifts so free-
In joy, in grief, thru life,
Dear Lord, for Thee!

And when Thy face I see,
My ransomed soul shall be,
Thru all eternity,
Something for thee.

I also sang the first verse of "My Jesus, I Love Thee".  Not only was it in the same key and tempo, but the message went right along with what "Something for Thee" was saying.

"My Jesus, I Love Thee"
written by William R. Featherston
verse 1

My Jesus, I love Thee,
I know Thou art mine-
For Thee all the follies
of sin I resign,

My gracious Redeemer,
My Savior art Thou:
If ever I loved Thee,
My Jesus, 'tis now.

This is why I sing.  Not for man's praise (although that's pretty nice, too), ;) not to feel good about myself, but to glorify the One who has given me everything.  Because of all He has done, my response should be to offer my time, my talents, and my life to Him.  My desire should be to bring glory to His name.  And if having my voice crack in the middle of a performance is the best way to do that, then who am I to argue? ;)

Why I'm a Stay-at-Home Mom...a post dedicated to Claire :)

Here's another post that's been a long time in coming.  Thanks so much for your patience, everyone (and especially you, Claire!). ;)

For as long as I can remember, I've always dreamed about being a wife and a mom.  We're talking as early as 6 years old.  I can clearly remember drawing pictures of my future hubby and kids at that age. :)  Of course, it was all very romantic and set to a Disney soundtrack.  I pictured my Prince Charming coming and sweeping me off of my feet.  We would enjoy a huge wedding, where I would wear the most beautiful dress in the world, and then we'd have a few adorable, perfect kids whom I would care for with my amazing mothering skills, which would come very naturally to me, of course.

Incidentally, I also dreamed of being a missionary for many years.  This was also a highly romanticized thought.  I think that somewhere I still have a drawing I did in 8th grade.  I'm standing at some unspecific location in Africa, surrounded by adorable African children.  I have an African baby in one arm and my Bible in the other. I'm wearing a peasant blouse and a long, flowy skirt, and the wind is blowing my skirt and my hair.

Yeah, that pretty much sums up the way I thought about everything growing up. ;)

Now I know that God had better plans than to send me to the mission field in order to have a complete mental breakdown.  :}  I know that God gives grace where it is needed, but the more I grow and come to grips with my personality flaws and strengths, the more I realize that the mission field would NOT have been anything like I'd dreamed about and I would have had a very rude awakening.

I think I did have an honest desire to serve the Lord, whether I was on the mission field or at home, but I also think a lot of it was about me, like I was the star in my own movie or something.  It didn't matter that no one was watching (although sometimes I think I really did believe that the world revolved around me!).  As a result, everything I dreamed about was highly romantic...and highly unrealistic.

Something that my parents always stressed as I was growing up was the importance of staying home with your kids so that you could be the one to raise them, not a day care worker. (They often shared observations and parenting tips with us as we were growing up, even when we were younger, and I really value those years of free advice.)  I was thrilled to discover (before marrying him) that Hubby (then Boyfriend) felt the same way.

Fast forward to 8 years ago, when we brought home our first beautiful little girl from the hospital.  Here it was, the moment I'd been waiting for and leading up to all of my life.  And things were going to be perfect, and wonderful, and I would get all of that baby weight off immediately, and be wrapped up in love for my adorable little daughter, and someday she would be a famous doctor or singer or something great...and she refused to sleep, and refused to stop crying...and I was TIRED!  That was the first moment I realized that maybe this parenting stuff wasn't quite as easy as I'd always imagined it would be.

Those first few months were a big adjustment, especially the first few weeks.  It turned out I wasn't producing enough milk to keep Oldest Gal satisfied, so she was basically starving.  Thankfully, this was caught fairly early on, so we were able to supplement her with formula.  Things got easier after that, but it wasn't exactly a walk in the park, either.

It must not have been too miserable, though, because we were crazy enough to want more kids! ;)  Adding one more was fairly doable, but by the time we got to three, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed, to say the least.  Still, I'd made a commitment to stay home with our kids, so I was determined to do it.  Hubby was even working two jobs so that I could be with the girls.

So, why am I a Stay-at-Home mom, especially if it's not easy?  Because I believe that it's the right thing to do, and that my children will benefit from the constant parental involvement in their lives (unless I'm being super crabby...they might not exactly benefit from that!). :}  I also desire nothing more than knowing that my children love the Lord and want to serve Him.  The very best way to gauge where they're at spiritually and to be a godly influence in their lives is to be there with them.  I want to be there to answer their questions, to show them from the Bible why we believe what we believe, and to encourage their excitement about God and what He has done.

There's another important reason I'm a Stay-at-Home Mom, although it's not a reason I knew about until I already was one. ;)  Staying home with 3 kiddos for hours upon hours constantly brings to my attention the areas of my life that need some work.  I always thought I was a naturally kind, patient person.  That theory is not one I have anymore.  I've discovered that I'm naturally a selfish, petty, spoiled girl with anger management issues.

I can hear all of you now:  "And...that's a good thing?"  Yes, actually, it is.  Because it's only when I stop doing everything on my own and showing God how much merit I have in my own strength that I am able to come to Him in brokenness, admitting my faults and failings.  And that's when He can start working on those areas in my life, pruning those stray branches and sanding off those rough edges, forming me into the woman I can be through His power.

Is it as easy as I thought it would be?  Not even close.  Is it always fun?  Um...no.  I've had more than my share of wiping messy bottoms, cleaning up vomit at 2 in the morning, tackling the never-ending pile of laundry that seems to grow on its own, and breaking up the endless arguments.  But do the benefits outweigh the hardships?  Definitely!

You see, I may have to do a lot of stuff that isn't very fun, but I also have been there for every coo and smile.  I've seen each of the girls take their first steps.  I've been the one to comfort them in the middle of the night, the one to receive their loving kisses and hugs.  I've been able to observe their unique personalities develop, to laugh at the funny things they do, and take pictures all along the way to help me remember them when they're all older and in homes of their own.

I'm not perfect.  I make parenting mistakes every day...some days it feels like every minute!  But I've learned so much, and I wouldn't trade it for the best corporate job you could offer me.  Well, okay, there are some days I might consider it. ;)  And sure, I get a thrill just thinking about a day of shopping with no kiddos, or a romantic weekend getaway with Hubby.  But there will be plenty of time for those things, and I know that someday I will look back on these days and long for them again...some very distant day. (Hee hee...sorry, just keepin' it real!) ;)  

I did want to mention before I go that I realize that it's not always possible to be a Stay-at-Home mom, especially with the economy the way it is now.  I really appreciate that my husband is willing to work 11-15 hours a day during the busy season so that I'm free to raise the girls.  If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing.  I know there are some great moms out there who also work out of the home.  For our family, though, this is the choice we've made and one that we feel strongly about.