Weighty Issues and Other Updates

Whew!  I'm having second thoughts about the theory that my schedule would be more free once the girls were all in school. :}  I think my life actually just got crazier and busier instead.  At least, that's how it feels right now in these first few weeks.  I know that once I get used to the new schedule and establish my routine, things will be a bit easier.

I realized a while ago that I've been so busy with doll and toy reviews over the course of the summer that it's been ages since I've just had a heart-to-heart chat with all of you.  I also need to work on some doll photography other than review photos.  I've been missing my outdoor photo shoots.  Of course, we've had a problem with our sprinklers in the front yard, so the plants are rather dead right now. :{  I'm hoping to get some great pictures when the rainy season hits again and the lawn is a bit more attractive. ;)

At the beginning of the year, I made some changes to this blog and delved into the worlds of Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.  Now that I've had some time to get used to the updates and see how things work, I've made a few decisions.

First off, some of you might have noticed that my "Sponsors" tab is missing from the top of the blog.  My quest to find sponsors this year hasn't been overly successful, although I was able to review some products in exchange for a month of free advertising through passionfruit.com.  The problem is that the passionfruit.com site just updated and is no longer a free service.  And since I never actually made any money there, it didn't really make sense to pay for it.  For that reason, I decided to remove my sponsor option altogether for now.  I have few enough people interested in trading goods for advertising that I don't need a third party website keeping track of things for me anyway. ;)

This year I did enjoy the thrill of having a company contact me to review its product for the first time (my Zelf, Buttershy). :)  They just found me through Google, so I suppose if I keep at it and try to be patient, eventually more offers may come my way.

I realized something through all of this.  For a while, I was so focused on trying to make this blog a financial success that I lost sight of what made it so fun in the first place: my interaction with my followers and readers.  I've had several opportunities to reach out to some of you and be a listening ear when you needed one.  I've made many friends and acquaintances through this blog that I never would have met otherwise.  I've done my best to create a site where doll lovers and collectors of all ages can come together and feel welcome.  These are my goals.  Even if I never get another offer for reviewing free product, I will be content, because this blog is about meeting people and learning about dolls.  I don't want to lose sight of that and end up with a blog that is mercenary and impersonal (not saying that all sites that have a financial return are that way).  :}  It's possible that in the future I may try other ways to bring in some sort of financial profit, but for now I'm just going to leave things the way they are. :)

For the time being, I've also removed my "Wishlist" page from the top of the blog.  I'm trying to clear and condense some of my pages so I have room to add a few pages.  Those of you who are dying to know what I'm still interested in adding to my collection can access my wishlist board on Pinterest, "If Wishes Were Horses..." :)

I've also decided to just enjoy Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter to the best of my ability, getting the word out there about my blogs without stressing over particulars.  I could spend all day on the computer if I tried to do everything I was "supposed" to do to "properly" advertise and reach out.  The thing is, I already spend plenty of time here at my little computer desk.  I need to make sure it doesn't take over my life. :}  I would like to thank all of you who have liked or followed me on each of the sites.  I've enjoyed learning about each of them and getting to know even more people by branching out to these social media platforms.  Those of you who haven't stopped by to visit me on other sites can go directly to them by clicking the links on my left sidebar.

And now I suppose it's time to move on to another subject:  the elephant in the room...or perhaps I should say the elephant on the blog. ;)  Whatever the title, I'm referring to my non-existent updates on my weight-loss journey (or lack thereof).

I would love to say that the reason I haven't said anything for a long time is because I'm exactly where I want to be weight-wise and health-wise.  Of course, as you've probably guessed, that is not the case.  Let's just say I'm back to square one after some ups and downs over the past year.

It's hard for me to be honest about this particular struggle in my life.  I like to consider myself a strong, determined person who can accomplish something when I put my mind to it, and I am never more aware of my failings than when it comes to weight loss...or parenting. :}  In fact, I suppose I could broaden the spectrum and say that most areas involving self-control are those that I really find challenging.

While I'd rather just gloss over this and not address it, I feel it's an important thing to discuss.  I'm sure there are others out there going through similar struggles.  I also feel that with the rampant use of sites like Facebook and Twitter and the current cultural obsession with weight loss and healthy eating, it can be very easy to fall into obsessive, unhealthy behavior when it comes to our bodies.

How easy it is to move from a desire to be healthy and eat wisely to a desire to be a slender, attractive young woman that turns heads every time she walks by!  How quickly I find myself comparing my body to those of every other woman I see, especially when I'm feeling discouraged by my lack of progress with my weight.  You know what I mean.  "Well at least I'm not as big as she is" or "At least I have a better-proportioned figure than that gal".  How tempting it is to fall prey to the lie that life would be better if only I were skinnier (or richer, or smarter, or...well, you fill in the blank).  

The truth is, obsession of that kind is unhealthy, no matter what it is about.  Another truth is that if I'm not content as a size 16, round-faced woman with cellulite-covered thighs, I won't be content as a size 4 supermodel, either (I'm not foolish enough to attempt to ever be a size 4, by the way...not with my height and frame). ;)  Oh, sure, at first fitting into pretty much any dress on the rack and feeling slim and beautiful would be awesome...but eventually those same issues of obsession, of constantly looking to others for approval, or of comparing myself to others and finding flaws with them or with myself would all come creeping back.

True joy doesn't come from having a perfect body, a beautiful home, a handsome husband, unlimited funds, or even the fulfillment of a life-long dream.  The truest joy and contentment can only be found in Christ and His redemptive work on the cross.  Without that, everything is futile.  Only when I spend time communicating with Him through prayer and Bible reading, only when I rest in His promises and let Him live through me will I be truly content.  How quickly I lose sight of these simple truths!

This doesn't mean that I'm going to throw in the towel and forget the whole weight loss idea.  I don't like feeling out of control with my eating and sitting around like a bump on a log all day.  Those two things need to change.  But the other things that need to change are my expectations and my outlook.

First, I need to realize that reaching my goal weight is not going to solve all of life's problems.  If that's all I think about and work towards, I'm going to be a pretty miserable person to be around.  And if I can't learn to be content now, then there will always be something else that I'm unhappy with, no matter what size or shape I am.

Secondly, I need to stop looking to others for standards of beauty and acceptance.  I am "fearfully and wonderfully made", a unique creation, precious and loved by the Almighty Creator God.  I cannot expect to look like anyone in Hollywood, Bollywood, or Disney films (animated or otherwise).  I don't need to worry about how other people perceive me, and if, by God's grace, I'm a self-controlled person who is letting Christ shine through me, I will be attractive to others whether I'm a size 8 or a size 28.  And even if I'm not, what matters most is what God thinks of me, and in His Word I am told over and over again that I am special, loved, and one-of-a-kind.

When I was younger, I had this odd way of viewing my life, as if I were the star of my own movie.  I acted as though everyone around me was watching every word, facial expression, or decision I made.  Maybe that's why I so desperately craved approval from everyone around me.  They were my audience and my fellow actors and actresses, so their approval was vital.  I think I also had watched or read too many stories where a young ingenue was "discovered" and whisked away into stardom.  I was sure if I just sang in the right place at the right time, I would be discovered, too.  Weird, I know.  Artistic people can be like that. :}

I realized the other day that sometimes I still act like I'm starring in "The Life of Beast'sbelle".  (And I'll admit it...I'm still waiting for the day when everyone will suddenly break into spontaneous song and dance around me, like they always do in the musicals.  Sigh.) ;)  Which is completely ridiculous.  Since when was the storyline of the entire world all about me?  How silly and conceited is that?  And if I'm not the center of the universe, then why on earth does it matter what other people around me think, especially if they're people that don't even know me?

My husband thinks I'm beautiful, and he tells me that almost every day, especially when he knows I'm struggling with body issues.  My children look up to me (another important reason to adjust my perspective-I don't need to give them body issues of their own).  My friends and family love me and accept me no matter what size I am.  Since when did everything depend on appearances anyway?  I think God had something to say about that, didn't He?  "...God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart."  (I Samuel 16:7b)

Our society has gotten so concerned with healthy eating and weight loss that it is easy to look at yourself or someone else with a weight problem as a project instead of a person.  And come on, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels judged when I decide to splurge one day and order french fries at the restaurant. ;)  I know that I definitely need to lighten up and get my thinking in line.

That being said, I do want to do my best to eat right, record what I eat, and get regular exercise.  This month I really want to work on incorporating that into the craziness that is my life.  I just want to make sure that my focus is on being healthy and taking control of my eating, not on being skinny. :}  I also want to make sure that weight loss doesn't become the only thing I think about.  There's so much more to life than spending every moment obsessing over how many almonds I've had or whether I've consumed too many carbs.

I know I've said similar stuff before.  Maybe you're thinking, "Hasn't she figured this out yet?"  I wish, believe me.  As painful as it is to have to keep reminding myself of the same things over and over again, my hope is that this honest look at some of my inner struggles might encourage someone else going through the same thing.  Keep your chin up.  You're not alone.

I may never be able to maintain my goal weight.  I may never excel at my Turbo Jam DVD.  I may never fit into my wedding dress again (not that I really need to...I've just always thought it would be a nice "Yay, I did it" kind of accomplishment).  I'm 99.9% sure I will never like broccoli.  But by God's grace, I hope that someday I will learn to be a woman who is self-controlled and content.

And with that, I think I'll head to bed.  It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday night. ;)  I have more doll-related fun to share with you in the following weeks (I think I have about 75 posts in various stages of completeness in draft...ridiculous, I know).

Until next time, this is Beast'sbelle, signing off! :)